"At Least You're Not a Garbage Man" and Other Depressing Pep Talks

I am a huge sucker for pep talks and inspirational speeches.  When I hear a great speech on tv or in a movie, I get choked up and determined to right all the wrongs in the world.  It doesn't matter if it's a classic locker room pep talk in a sports flick or an impassioned speech about justice from a classic film, my reaction is largely the same.  Some examples:

Coach Boone, Remember the Titans:

     Let me tell you somthing: you don't let anyone come between us. Nothing tears us apart. In Greek mythology, the Titans were greater even than the gods. They ruled their universe with absolute power. Well that football field out there, that's our universe. Let's rule it like titans. 

Coach Taylor, Friday Night Lights (I'd soo marry him!):

     Every man at some point in his life is going to lose a battle. He is going to fight and he is going to lose. But what makes him a man is at the midst of that battle he does not lose himself. This game is not over, this battle is not over.

Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life (For serious, I cry like a baby every time):

     Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.

     (If you recall, George reads Clarence's note right after Harry flies home in a snow storm to make his toast:  "To my brother, George Bailey: the richest man in town!"  You'd have to be dead inside not to cry.)

Jefferson Smith, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: 

     I guess this is just another lost cause, Mr. Paine. All you people don't know about lost causes. Mr. Paine does. He said once they were the only causes worth fighting for and he fought for them once. For the only reason any man ever fights for them. Because of just one plain simple rule. Love thy neighbor.... And you know that you fight harder for the lost causes than for any others. Yes, you'd even die for them...You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well I'm not licked. And I'm gonna stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if this room gets filled with lies like these. And the Taylors and all their armies come marching into this place. Somebody will listen to me.

Somehow, real life "pep talks" can't hold a candle to these tv/movie ones, and not just because they aren't delivered by professionals.   Just compare these everyday examples with their fictitious counterparts:

1.  "Just think of the poor starving children in Africa."

2.  "It could be worse."/"At least you're not a garbage man (or mime, or dog catcher or any other unappealing profession)."

3.  "It is what it is."

Far from the teary inspiration of the movie speeches, these little pearls of wisdom just make me angry.  So while I smile, grit my teeth, and nod, my internal monologue goes a little something like this:

1. Really, thinking about the starving children if Africa is going to make me feel better?  First of all, childhood starvation is depressing.  Second, you're not suggesting that I actually try to help anyone, just gloat that I have food while others are dying.  For shame.  I should punch you in your stupid face.

2.  Seriously?  This is the inspirational equivalent of saying, "The red dress makes you look less fat than the green one.  I want to punch you in your stupid face.

3.  Really, Aristotle?  I though it is what it isn't!  I find no comfort in your thought process that things suck necessarily because they do suck and so must always suck.  I want to punch you in your stupid face.

I know sometimes it's hard to give a really peppy pep talk because life can be decidedly unfun.  So for Christmas, dear readers, I've developed these special "How To Inspire" guidelines just for you!  That's right, just use this simple formula to cheer up the most determined Scrooge this holiday season!

To cheer the downtrodden, mix any three of the following elements with the person's name and a specific reference to his/her situation:

Things will get better.

The sun will come out tomorrow!  Tomorrow is another day!  Things always look darkest just before the dawn.  Better days are on the way, my friend.

Struggles have meaning.

You'll grow stronger through this experience.  You're making a difference.  You're fighting for what you believe.  This experience will teach you something important about life.

Never give up.

The battle isn't over.  You're almost to the finish line.  It isn't in you to withdraw.  They can take away your life, but they'll never take your freedom!

You're special.

You're strong enough to make it through this.  You can do whatever you set you're mind to.  You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggonit, people like you!

--ex.  The sun will come out tomorrow, Bobby, because you're strong enough to make it through this.  They can take away your life, but they'll never take your freedom!

*Warning:  Use these guidelines with caution.  Failure to sufficiently inspire could lead to a punch in your stupid face.